Today was a really random day where his laptop is hooked up so I decided to use his instead of mine for a bit, and randomly went to check his google history.
And I found out that he has been checking out all the bikini pictures of a certain classmate of his from his graduating class. That blond girl is very gorgeous, but a bit of an attention grabber- wearing shorts, heavy makeup, cleavage spilling out. But above that she is also pretty smart, having graduated with a veterinary degree. And also single. And very much available.
I kinda felt bad for Suds too. Of all days that he decided to use Facebook to check out chicks, I found out later in a few hours.
But dam, I felt so terrible afterwards. I often felt that suds does well with white girls, and I wondered if we married too fast and too young. I worried that he married me because he felt sorry for me. Truth be told, I feel that white girls are really much prettier than me. They all have natural curves, boobies and butt.
Moping around on a Monday was not doing me good, plus the toilet is overflowing, the property agents are being very mean and irresponsible, and I received an email about my late submission of health documents for my job application.
So I thought I should get out of the house, and I took the train and bus in the gloomy winter weather to the medical centre to try to get my BMI readings and confirmation that I do not have a eating disorder so that my dream job will take me.
There is something about public places with people staring blankly, that always makes me think, and then cause me to cry. I just think sad stuff and suddenly my nose will sting and I will feel overwhelmingly alone. Oh, how my dramatic hormonal emotions get the Star awards out of me at times. Yes so I was tearing up in a bulk-bill Medicare clinic with families of 3 kids in their school phy-ed shirts and couples with guys still in their tradie uniforms. I pretended to yawn and closed my eyes and think happy thoughts...
The doctor called me out and told me my request by the workplace was not medical and cannot be covered by Medicare so I left. The dietitian whom I was prepared to shell out aud$150 was not free until Friday. Wow, today really had to suck.
I forgot to add on that I had texted suds about my unpleasant discovery in the morning and he replied with a short "Sorry." I was overthinking what his sorry could have meant, when usually people do not apologize unless they sincerely felt that they did something wrong. Did he feel sorry he got caught, or did he feel sorry that he has feelings of lust for another girl...
Anyway he came home with a bouquet of 10 red roses and a box of milk chocolates. (I don't like expensive flowers and I like chocolates dark or orange or with honeycomb, not milk)
He looked really sorry so I felt really bad. He explained that: "guys sometimes check out other girls" by means of trying to explain himself. Right now it is 10.35pm and he is banished to sleep on the air mattress in the other room.
I do not really know what to make out of it, still crying while typing this.
Ok that is husband problem.
Next is body problem.
I don't know why people think skinny people like me do not have body issues, I do. I got teased when I was younger for having no boobs. Guys in high school made jokes about my flat chest, even boys whom I do not know teased me on the bus rides home. I felt horrible I had to wear awful fake padded bras at times to look just normal. Today at 26 I can still fit into the training elastic bralet thing I had when I was 12, and still could not fill it up. I ate as much as I liked, but did not have any fats to tone whatsoever I needed to tone. Not many seem to remember that womanly curves involves a lot of mountains to begin with, and valleys can be dug. But when there is a flat piece of land, the mountain soil just seems to go wherever they want to go.
Anyway that was a little sidetrack. I came across this health plaza on my way back home, just by curiosity. The place was huge but the one lone receptionist looked really busy and flustered with manning the desk and the phones that kept ringing. Finally I asked her about my Medicare entities and if I could see a dietitian. She asked me all concerned if I have anorexia, and I kinda like snorted: "no?!" and took off my coat to prove it. I still cannot believe the way she loudly gasped as took in how I looked without the coat, and how she actually said "ohmygod" in disbelief. Exact words, no lie. It was so ridiculous it actually seemed funny, like a American tv sitcom. I really did not expect that, and told her about my regular periods and how I can eat everything in the world and still be so skinny. Unfortunately that seemed to have the opposite effect on her? She nodded and just went on to tell me to see the specialist who will be in the next morning and told me to call if I felt nausea or stomach pains etc if anything happens before I can make it there tomorrow.
Oh great, now someone thinks I am bulimic/ anorexic. Sigh. Ok I shall stop talking and go get something to stuff myself before tomorrow.
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